The Goat-Gland Doctor

Quoting from Wikipedia: "John Romulus Brinkley (later John Richard Brinkley; July 8, 1885 – May 26, 1942) was a controversial American who fraudulently claimed to be amedical doctor (he had no legitimate medical education and bought his medical degree from a "diploma mill") who became known as the "goat-gland doctor" after he achieved national fame, international notoriety and great wealth through the xenotransplantation of goat testicles into humans."

But wait! The story doesn't end there. Mr.Brinkley's father was a "poor mountain man" who served as a medic in the Civil War on the Confederate side. After his first marriage was annulled because he was underage (which, in 1860's North Carolina, he must have been, like, 5 year old) he married and outlived 4 more "young, pretty wives" (Wikipedia again) but this is where it gets really interesting...

"In 1870, at the age of 42, [Brinkley's father, also named John Brinkley] married Sarah T. Mingus. Later, the 24-year-old niece of Mingus moved into the house: Sarah Candice Burnett...Sarah Burnett gave birth out of wedlock to John Romulus Brinkley in the town of Beta, in Jackson County, North Carolina, naming her son after his father, and after Romulus, the mythical twin suckled by wolves.^[1] Sarah Burnett died of pneumonia and tuberculosis when Brinkley was five."

This is where the story of our hero begins. Born to the niece of Papa Goat-Doctor's wife in 1885 there was nowhere to go for young John Romulus "Named-after-the-mythical-founder-of-Rome-but-actually-just-the-child-of-a-Confederate-mountain-man-and-his-niece-in-law" Brinkley but up.

Without telling too much his life can be summarized in a few buzz-words: Diploma mill, con-artist, bigamist, prison, actual sortof-okay doctor, and finally, Goat testicles.

Brinkley began fixing men who were "sexually weak" by transplanting goat testicles into their nether regions, summarized on Wikipedia thusly, "At his clinic, Brinkley began to perform more operations he claimed would restore male virility and fertility through implanting the testicular glands of goats in his male patients at a cost of $750 per operation^[17] ($8,900 in current value). Following one of his crude operations, the body of a patient would typically absorb the goat gonads as foreign matter. The organs were never accepted as part of the body since they were simply placed into the human male testicle sac or the abdomen of women, near the ovaries. Unsurprisingly, in light of his questionable medical training (75 percent completion at a less-than-reputable medical school), frequency of operating while intoxicated and less-than sterile operating environments, some patients suffered from infection, and an undetermined number died. Brinkley would be sued more than a dozen times for wrongful death between 1930 and 1941"

Though he died penniless and forever known as "The Goat-Gland Doctor" his life is an eerily similar mixture of Orson Welles' actual life with that of the character Citizen Kane, with just a tad more goat testicles. Dr. Goat testes ran for governor of Kansas, had his own radio station, and even got a real medical license, which was later officially revoked by Benito Mussolini, although Brinkley ignored this and kept on claiming to have an Italian medical license because A) you could do that in the 1930's and B) when you are the goat-testicle man your boldness knows no bounds.

(Sidenote: I started writing this before midnight right before I was about to go to sleep when a fly attacked me. Maliciously. Multiple high-speed flights directly into my face. It took about 2 hours but eventually I killed it and one other innocent fly that I mistook for my assailant. I believe this attack was in retaliation to a mercy-killing of a wounded fly a few days ago which was apparently mistaken as an act of war against all of fly-kind. If I live through the night they have not yet organized to such an extent as to be able to kill a human while they sleep. If I don't make it....may God help us all.)

P.S. FUCK THIS FORMATTING IT'S TERRIBLE AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS SHIT AT 3 A.M. FUCK YOU BLOGSPOT THIS IS WHY I COULD NEVER ACTUALLY BE A BLOGGER

Just some statistics...

Traffic Sources

Entry	Pageviews
https://www.google.co.uk/	219
https://www.google.com/	206
http://www.vampirestat.com	34

Apparently there are some vampires that really appreciate this blog. 

Entry Pageviews United States 1059 United Kingdom 474 Russia 146 Ireland 135 France 113 Germany 92 Ukraine 64 Netherlands 53 Canada 52 Australia 49

If this were a list of deaths by gun-violence it probably wouldn't change much

Search Keywords

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never tell your password to anyone blog	15
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never tell your password to anyone.	6

All those people who searched "Sexy Onesie" and ended up here obviously thought this was something else entirely.

We Fuck with Europe

Quarrel Marx: Hey, I beat a guy
CodeMagenta: in what?
Quarrel Marx: Chess
CodeMagenta: was he bulgarian?
Quarrel Marx: No I think he was Tunisian
Quarrel Marx: Nope
Quarrel Marx: I have no idea what that flag is
CodeMagenta: is it red with the crescent moon?
Quarrel Marx: Half green half white with a red crescent
Quarrel Marx: Algeria
Quarrel Marx: He was Algerian
CodeMagenta: ok
CodeMagenta: still a lesser race
Quarrel Marx: Exactly
CodeMagenta: so is Magicka not compatible with Macs?
CodeMagenta: because there's an achievement called Vanilla Ice
CodeMagenta: for creating a spell using only Ice
Quarrel Marx: Genius
Quarrel Marx: No Magicka doesn't run on mac
Quarrel Marx: But I think I'm gonna build a pc soon
CodeMagenta: like a  nerd
Quarrel Marx: Yeah
Quarrel Marx: Exactly like that
CodeMagenta: I spend alot of time on the computer, but I understand nothing
CodeMagenta: it's like marriage in medieval times
Quarrel Marx: That's a depressing sentiment
CodeMagenta: I bought it because I want to use it, but we don't really get along
CodeMagenta: and by bought it I mean Cooper gave it to me
CodeMagenta: now our families are tied together through the bonds of matrimony
CodeMagenta: although if you think about it
CodeMagenta: this is his old computer
CodeMagenta: so it's like he went all Henry VIII (except without beheading) and gave me his old queen once he found a new one
CodeMagenta: which I'm cool with
CodeMagenta: because my children will inherit a claim on England
Quarrel Marx: I wouldn't mention that to England
CodeMagenta: Now is the perfect time to strike
CodeMagenta: Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is old and weak
Quarrel Marx: But she's surrounded by the guys in hats
CodeMagenta: a gust of wind from behind them renders them blind and helpless
CodeMagenta: I can take 'em
CodeMagenta: I'll get Scotland to rebel along with me
Quarrel Marx: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkJf0md1kG8
Quarrel Marx: This is educational
CodeMagenta: his accent is stupid
Quarrel Marx: Well duh
Quarrel Marx: He's Scandanavian
CodeMagenta: it makes him sound like a British person with a minor speech impediment
Quarrel Marx: All their accents suck
CodeMagenta: Finnish are more closely related to Russians and Slavs than Norwegians
CodeMagenta: also
CodeMagenta: you never hear Slavic people complain about slavery
CodeMagenta: and they were the first slaves
Quarrel Marx: Even though they were so enslaved we get the word from them
CodeMagenta: they are named after being slaves
CodeMagenta: exactly
CodeMagenta: the eastern Europeans are the coolest because they're just sortof there
CodeMagenta: the whole Ukraine thing is happening and they're relatively chill about it
Quarrel Marx: They never seem to initiate historical events
Quarrel Marx: Stuff just happens to them
CodeMagenta: Canada freaks out worse when Hockey goes poorly
Quarrel Marx: Usually Russia happens to them
CodeMagenta: or Germany
Quarrel Marx: Yeah
Quarrel Marx: But they just take it like champs
CodeMagenta: well
CodeMagenta: maybe it's because of the whole Polish stereotype
CodeMagenta: or maybe that's why that stereotype exists
CodeMagenta: Everyone thinks they're dumb because they just sit there and get conquered and don't really care
Quarrel Marx: Yeah
CodeMagenta: but enough racism
CodeMagenta: wanna do something?
Quarrel Marx: Sure
CodeMagenta: I've been updating the blog very mediocrely
Quarrel Marx: I don't read our blog

Lethality=Awesomeness

3:47 PM - CodeMagenta: best decade for cars
3:47 PM - CodeMagenta: go
3:47 PM - Quarrel Marx: Now
3:47 PM - CodeMagenta: oh
3:48 PM - CodeMagenta: well
3:48 PM - Quarrel Marx: Right now
3:48 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: ^
3:48 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: fuck
3:48 PM - Quarrel Marx: Technology only improves
3:48 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: my name is too long
3:48 PM - Quarrel Marx: Yeah the arrow points to nothing
3:48 PM - CodeMagenta: overcompensating?
3:48 PM - Quarrel Marx: Anyway, the best decade for cars is this one. And in ten years it'll be that decade
3:48 PM - Quarrel Marx: And so on and so forth until we perfect the jetpack
3:48 PM - CodeMagenta: now if you have time to look at this graph I suggest you do
3:48 PM - CodeMagenta: http://www.saferoads.org/federal/2004/TrafficFatalities1899-2003.pdf
3:49 PM - CodeMagenta: notice the increase in lethality of car-crashes in the 60's
3:49 PM - CodeMagenta: we all know from reading The Great Gatsby that the 20's was the best time for motor-vehicles
3:49 PM - Quarrel Marx: Because that's when people started owning cars and driving a ton
3:49 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: Cars in the 20s were kinda shit
3:49 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: In fact
3:49 PM - CodeMagenta: the 20's is characterized by a high percentage of deaths in car-crashes
3:49 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: They were really shit
3:49 PM - CodeMagenta: therefore, better cars
3:50 PM - Quarrel Marx: Because cars sucked and no one knew how to work them
3:50 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: Yeah
3:50 PM - Quarrel Marx: And there were no safety features
3:50 PM - Quarrel Marx: Wait, skype lads?
3:50 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: The Model T is not fast
3:50 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: Nor cool
3:50 PM - CodeMagenta: TODAY lethality rates are at an all-time low
3:50 PM - Quarrel Marx: Because cars are safer and driving education is better
3:50 PM - CodeMagenta: the 60's is the only noticable increase in lethality rates
3:50 PM - CharmedAndDangerous: And cars are the fastest they have ever been
3:50 PM - CodeMagenta: therefore, best decade

We learn how to put in Videos from Youtube that we did not make!

This is the song I am going to start playing/singing the instant my firstborn child is born. Pledge your support (by which I mean money) now and I will buy a gorilla costume so as to be in proper character whilst serenading the newborn in the delivery room.

Also Robin Williams is dead, which sucks.

O' Captain, My Captain

(He probably just watched his own performance in Dead Poets Society.)

Updates! We do them!

Probably gonna start updating more frequently if at all possible. Cheers.

CharmedAndDangerous: i'm ridulously exhausted
CodeMagenta: lay off the masturbation, bro
CharmedAndDangerous: i fell asleep at someones house around 4 am
CharmedAndDangerous: then drove home like 3 hours later
CharmedAndDangerous: and woke up a little before 1
CodeMagenta: why were you masturbating in someone else's house?

Bonsai, Bears and Bitches (No Bitches)

11:49 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I am writing way more history essay than I want to be writing
11:50 PM - CodeMagenta: I made another snapchat art masterpiece
11:50 PM - CodeMagenta: who wins this one?
11:50 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I guess you?
11:50 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: You've been more productive
11:50 PM - CodeMagenta: I don't know
11:51 PM - CodeMagenta: You've chipped another veritable inch of rock away in the tunnel that is your education
11:51 PM - CodeMagenta: I've watered the culture bonsai
11:51 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: Now that is one depressing fucking analogy
11:51 PM - CodeMagenta: yeah, nobody likes bonsais
11:51 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I also made a comic that with any luck will bring my grade from an F to a D-
11:51 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: so
11:51 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: yaaaaaaaay
11:52 PM - CodeMagenta: I'm going to say "watered the culture bonsai" regularly now
11:52 PM - CodeMagenta: for random things
11:52 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: like "I'll be back in a few, gotta water the cultural bonsai"
11:52 PM - CodeMagenta: like getting 2 packets of cheezits instead of one at the vending machine
11:52 PM - CodeMagenta: oh, or that
11:53 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: it means masturbate
11:53 PM - CodeMagenta: not urinate?
11:53 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: either, both, whatever
11:53 PM - CodeMagenta: I don't normally say "Be right back, gotta jack off"
11:53 PM - CodeMagenta: so I assumed it was urination
11:53 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I am rereading my first few paragraphs and this may be the most retarded thing I have ever written
11:54 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: You know an essay is retarded, when I have to explain in the intro paragraph why I'm doing it in an extra retarded wa
11:54 PM - CodeMagenta: did it start with "Dear History, My name is Mr.McFucknuts, and by your very nature you know me completely but have likely forgotten me"
11:54 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: "Rather than assigning arbitrary numbers to these three countries and their fellow superpowers, their position on the global stage will be given as having “risen”, “fallen” or “remained constant”
11:54 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: look at that shit
11:54 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: that is the gayest thing I have ever had to put in a paper
11:54 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: to explain why my paper sucks
11:55 PM - CodeMagenta: I've put doodles of two men having sex and that sentence is still more flamboyantly homoerotic
11:55 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I feel like you probably aced that paper
11:56 PM - CodeMagenta: I actually got a physics paper back because I drew two pigs having sex on it and then covered it up by putting wrestling masks on them
11:56 PM - CodeMagenta: they didn't notice
11:56 PM - CodeMagenta: and that is my finest moment
11:56 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: more quotes from my history paper However from this period of unrest rose Stalin, LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES OF FIERY VIOLENCE HE BROUGHT ABOUT RUSSIA’S REBIRTH
11:56 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I'm gonna change that
11:56 PM - CodeMagenta: Like a red russian bear
11:57 PM - CodeMagenta: from the cave
11:57 PM - CodeMagenta: of sleepy hibernation
11:57 PM - CodeMagenta: The Red Russian Bear
11:57 PM - CodeMagenta: Emerging from its slumber
11:58 PM - CodeMagenta: ate all my honey
11:58 PM - CodeMagenta: ..and that was a haiku
11:58 PM - WentToSchoolStupid: I hope you one day drown in semen
11:59 PM - CodeMagenta: I'm giving you Spock's live long and prosper hand sign right now
11:59 PM - CodeMagenta: except my hand is facing palm towards me
11:59 PM - CodeMagenta: and all my fingers are down except the middle one
Thursday, December 19, 2013
12:00 AM - WentToSchoolStupid: truly, I have never been more offended than at this very moment
12:00 AM - CodeMagenta: it is now a new day
12:00 AM - CodeMagenta: the troubles of yesterday are behind us
12:00 AM - CodeMagenta: you may no longer hold the grudges conceived at 11:59 yesterday
12:01 AM - CodeMagenta: which was Keith Richards' 70th birthday.
12:01 AM - CodeMagenta: He may very well be dead from partying hard
12:01 AM - CodeMagenta: because he's Keith fucking Richards