Krystal, Mystique, and the one that's Buried in the Desert...

Never tell your password to anyone

10:11 PM - CodeMagenta: I feel like saying I'm going to pick up my tux for prom is a dick reason to not go to my rehearsal, even though it's important that I pick it up as soon as I can

10:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: So that you can hug it, and love it and call it George?

10:12 PM - CodeMagenta: So that I can actually wear it and not show up in underwear and an "I'm sorry" note stabbed into my chest with a push-pin

10:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I once hired an escort who showed up dressed like that

10:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Naturally I didn't tip her

10:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: or pay her at all

10:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I buried her somewhere in the Nevada desert

10:14 PM - CodeMagenta: She's laughing at you from the grave because you spent more money on disposing of her body than you would've spent on a regular prostitute...sorry, ESCORT.

10:14 PM - CodeMagenta: It's like the worst kind of irony

10:14 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Well she's a hooker now

10:14 PM - Deadpan Delivery: after they're dead they're hookers

10:14 PM - CodeMagenta: Oh, so she used to be a Call Girl now?

10:14 PM - Deadpan Delivery: No, a call girl is what they are before you proposition them

10:15 PM - CodeMagenta: I don't think women who sell their bodies are too picky about what they're called

10:15 PM - CodeMagenta: it's the men who like to think they're still moral who are picky

10:15 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Krystal and Mystique are very moral!

10:15 PM - Deadpan Delivery: They go to church on sundays

10:16 PM - CodeMagenta: to repent

10:16 PM - Deadpan Delivery: forgive me father, for I have sinned

10:16 PM - CodeMagenta: ...with two guys on monday, three on tuesday...

10:16 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I have sucked 127 dicks since my last confession

10:16 PM - CodeMagenta: wow

10:16 PM - CodeMagenta: I didn't know they had such a hefty schedule...(heh...hefty)

10:16 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I don't think hefty is a pun there

10:17 PM - CodeMagenta: It's not a pun

10:17 PM - CodeMagenta: but it's an adjective I wouldn't mind having my penis described as

10:17 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I think if you pay extra they'll lie to you as much as you want

10:17 PM - CodeMagenta: I always thought that was just part of the regular package

10:18 PM - CodeMagenta: I think the extra is to get it all WITHOUT the sarcasm

10:18 PM - Deadpan Delivery: The regular package is usually pretty small

10:18 PM - Deadpan Delivery: The deluxe is when stuff gets hefty

10:19 PM - CodeMagenta: I want to make a comic strip now

10:19 PM - CodeMagenta: called like, "The Adventures of Krystal, the Sarcastic Call Girl!"

10:19 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I would read it

10:19 PM - Deadpan Delivery: well I would look at the pictures

10:19 PM - Deadpan Delivery: the cover

10:20 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I would look at the cover

10:20 PM - Deadpan Delivery: maybe

10:21 PM - CodeMagenta: So, what do you think the girls who work as phone sex people do while they're on the job?

10:22 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Wonder why their fathers never showed them any love?

10:22 PM - Deadpan Delivery: And why their uncles showed them too much

10:22 PM - CodeMagenta: I feel like they could get paid double if they were a real prostitute as well

10:22 PM - CodeMagenta: and the phone sex would seem more convincing, too

10:23 PM - CodeMagenta: y'know

10:23 PM - CodeMagenta: multitasking

10:23 PM - Deadpan Delivery: But then one of your hands is busy

10:23 PM - Deadpan Delivery: You'd have to charge less for the sex if you could only use one hand

10:23 PM - Deadpan Delivery: not to mention restricted use of your mouth

10:23 PM - CodeMagenta: you could have a headset or something

10:24 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That's true

10:24 PM - CodeMagenta: and fulfill nerds' dreams of having sex with a hot nerdy girl who plays games

10:24 PM - CodeMagenta: or just, y'know, having sex

10:24 PM - Deadpan Delivery: "and fulfill nerds' dreams of having sex with a hot nerdy girl who plays games" it would be more accurate to say "and fulfill nerds' dreams of having sex with a girl"

10:24 PM - Deadpan Delivery: aw

10:25 PM - Deadpan Delivery: you got there first

10:25 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I bet that happens a lot

10:25 PM - CodeMagenta: I have to

10:25 PM - CodeMagenta: My schedule is so filled up I have to work quick

10:26 PM - CodeMagenta: Now if you'll excuse me, Mystique has a night job to get to

10:27 PM - Deadpan Delivery: It’s too bad she quit her day job...

CodeMagenta is now offline

She's being serious with you though

Scots, Onesies and Sexy Slumber Parties

Never tell your password to anyone.

9:06 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Would you fuck someone wearing a onesie?

9:06 PM - CodeMagenta: how COULD you fuck someone wearing a onesie?

9:06 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Maybe it's unbuttoned or unzipped or something

9:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Besides, you're focusing on the wrong aspect of this

9:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Imagine if the official uniform was to be made a onesie

9:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: No one would screw ANYONE

9:08 PM - CodeMagenta: ok...are we talking baby onesie or pajamas onesie?

9:08 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Pajama onesie

9:08 PM - CodeMagenta: yeah sure

9:08 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I think you're a bit big for a baby onesie

9:08 PM - CodeMagenta: I tend to like to NOT feel pedophilic

9:09 PM - CodeMagenta: So I'd be fine fucking someone in a pajama onesie

9:09 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Conflicting emotions: http://shechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/onesie-pics-1.jpg?w=500&h=666

9:10 PM - CodeMagenta: Very consistent with my emotions

9:10 PM - Deadpan Delivery: You don't feel a tad creepy?

9:10 PM - CodeMagenta: I justify it by thinking of the “girls' slumberparty” fantasy

9:11 PM - CodeMagenta: It makes me feel a lot better

9:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That should make you feel creepier

9:11 PM - CodeMagenta: Well, like, college girls have sleepovers too...

9:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I wonder if girls have "Guys' sleepover" fantasies

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: We take our shirts off, start having pillow fights

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: wrestle a little

9:12 PM - CodeMagenta: Somehow I don't think that's as intriguing

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Well you're not a girl

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: put yourself in the mindset of a 15 year old girl

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: ...Forget I said that

9:12 PM - CodeMagenta: I already have

9:12 PM - CodeMagenta: ...But then, what is it about slumberparties that guys find really alluring?

9:12 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Please don't explain that

9:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: What I find alluring is the idea of contact with a real woman

9:13 PM - Deadpan Delivery: as such, my fantasies are pretty vague

9:14 PM - CodeMagenta: To be honest most of my fantasies about women involve lying in bed having a high-intellect conversation after some sex.

9:14 PM - CodeMagenta: And a blowjob in the morning.

9:14 PM - CodeMagenta: That's top

9:14 PM - Deadpan Delivery: and then bottom for a while, because sometimes you need to relax

9:15 PM - Deadpan Delivery: *Cough*

9:15 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Anyway

9:15 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I've given up on the idea of anyone I'm interested in sleeping with being on the same intellectual level as me

9:16 PM - CodeMagenta: I have the vague hope of going off to some ancient historical site in a faraway land and essentially meeting a hot female version of myself

9:16 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That's why I wear all my nerd t-shirts

9:16 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I secretly hope a girl will recognize whatever it is I'm making reference to and come talk to me

9:17 PM - CodeMagenta: maybe once you're old enough you can sit in bars all day

9:17 PM - CodeMagenta: gets the best publicity for women who want sex from anything male

9:17 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I feel like I'm not interested in those women

9:18 PM - CodeMagenta: Well, if you were a woman, you'd probably do that

9:18 PM - Deadpan Delivery: If the criteria for something entering your vagina is "Male"

9:18 PM - CodeMagenta: Guys go to bars to look for something female to stick their thing into too

9:18 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Also bad criteria

9:19 PM - CodeMagenta: ...Well it works in Scotland.

9:20 PM - Deadpan Delivery: So does bestiality and William Wallace as a tactician

9:20 PM - CodeMagenta: William Wallace was a horrible tactician actually

9:20 PM - CodeMagenta: Hey! The first one was the same as mine

9:20 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Ah

9:20 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That's what I was saying

9:21 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Yes

9:21 PM - Deadpan Delivery: And I thought you were making a "Scottish people are drunk" joke

9:21 PM - Deadpan Delivery: not a "Scottish people bang goats" joke

9:21 PM - CodeMagenta: To his credit, he figured out that bridges were sortof a strategic point

9:21 PM - CodeMagenta: which puts him leagues ahead of his second wife in terms of intellect

9:21 PM - CodeMagenta: and she was a goat

9:22 PM - CodeMagenta: ...

9:22 PM - CodeMagenta: But yeah, his tactics failed miserably at Falkirk

9:23 PM - Deadpan Delivery: You can't see me right now, but I'm nodding my head like I know what you're talking about

9:23 PM - CodeMagenta: Well, to explain...

9:23 PM - CodeMagenta: Basically, his whole strategy in that battle was "Get into clumps and put your shields up and stick out your pointy things, and then don't move"

9:23 PM - CodeMagenta: That being my description of a formation called the Schiltron

9:24 PM - Deadpan Delivery: weird

9:24 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That's the name of my new metal band

9:24 PM - CodeMagenta: weird

9:24 PM - CodeMagenta: that's the name I gave my penis

CodeMagenta is now offline

"The Scottish Defense"

Honeymoons, Trains and Bird Sex

Never tell your password to anyone.

9:51 PM - Deadpan Delivery: So

9:51 PM - Deadpan Delivery: We should have our first proper blog shaped conversation now

9:52 PM - CodeMagenta: ok

9:52 PM - Deadpan Delivery: It's like your wedding night, lots of pressure to perform

9:52 PM - CodeMagenta: wanna get coop in?

9:52 PM - CodeMagenta: I always perform better in threesomes because there's time to rest and if you're good no one really notices

9:52 PM - CodeMagenta: or maybe that's if you're bad that they don't notice

9:52 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I think that's cheating a little

9:53 PM - CodeMagenta: only if I hadn't told you coop was gonna show up

9:53 PM - CodeMagenta: and even then I think the natural blame would shift to the stranger

9:53 PM - Deadpan Delivery: SURPRISE HONEY!

9:53 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That would be a real damper on the wedding night

9:54 PM - Deadpan Delivery: "Let's have a nice romantic evening. But first me and this total stranger are gonna run train on you"

9:54 PM - Deadpan Delivery: *swoon*

9:54 PM - CodeMagenta: I've never heard the phrase "run train"

9:54 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Really?

9:54 PM - CodeMagenta: yep

9:54 PM - CodeMagenta: I assume it's like plowing

9:54 PM - CodeMagenta: because every guy thinks about sex when driving any sort of vehicle

9:55 PM - Deadpan Delivery: As always, Urban Dictionary has me covered

9:55 PM - Deadpan Delivery: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=run%20train

9:55 PM - CodeMagenta: "several friends"

9:55 PM - CodeMagenta: coop and I aren't friends

9:55 PM - CodeMagenta: not after the last time we ran train on a girl

9:56 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Makes the next day real awkward

9:56 PM - CodeMagenta: Also, I'd like to announce that the ad on the side is a picture of a girl wearing underwear and a shirt that says "Meh"

9:56 PM - CodeMagenta: which really reflects on your poor performance I'd say

9:56 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Meh is a better review than what I usually get

9:57 PM - CodeMagenta: that's because you had an extra wanger to help you

9:57 PM - CodeMagenta: because as they always say

9:57 PM - CodeMagenta: two heads are better than one

9:57 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Not two wangs?

9:57 PM - CodeMagenta: wangs have heads

9:57 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Because two Wangs is just me trying decide if I want sweet and sour chicken, or peking duck

9:58 PM - CodeMagenta: Always go with the chicken

9:59 PM - Deadpan Delivery: You don't like duck?

9:59 PM - CodeMagenta: when a duck is one letter away from pecking I don't trust it

9:59 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I think it's geese you want to be afraid of, them's some mean motherfuckers

10:00 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Or pigeons

10:00 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I don't know

10:00 PM - Deadpan Delivery: birds are dicks

10:01 PM - CodeMagenta: It dawns on me I've never seen a bird dick

10:01 PM - CodeMagenta: and they must have really awkward sex

10:01 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Lots of squawking and feathers everywhere

10:01 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Oh yeah... how does that work?

10:01 PM - CodeMagenta: Do they do it mid air?

10:02 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Birds are not shaped well for fucking

10:02 PM - Deadpan Delivery: This is the sort of thing they should be teaching in biology

10:03 PM - CodeMagenta: it's an example of a failure in biological engineering

10:03 PM - CodeMagenta: though not quite as bad as dogs

10:03 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Dogs do okay

10:03 PM - CodeMagenta: they have to like, mount the female, and then turn around in the end

10:03 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Like, I could draw dogs fucking

10:03 PM - Deadpan Delivery: I can't draw birds

10:03 PM - CodeMagenta: but for dogs it's REQUIRED to change positions

10:04 PM - CodeMagenta: and what about really big dogs

10:04 PM - CodeMagenta: that must not be comfortable for the female

10:05 PM - Deadpan Delivery: But people screw doggy style. They got a position named after them. No one says "Hey baby, let's do it sparrow style tonight"

10:05 PM - CodeMagenta: Although there is the Spread Eagle

10:06 PM - CodeMagenta: And I would pay money to see someone on the verge of climaxing turn around 180 degrees and keep the thing in the hole

10:06 PM - CodeMagenta: though I'd pay money regardless if the girl was hot and I didn't have to see the guy's face

10:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Hey, you invented porn

10:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: pay-per-view porn no less

10:07 PM - Deadpan Delivery: congratulations

10:07 PM - CodeMagenta: They probably already have that to an extent

10:08 PM - Deadpan Delivery: What, porn?

10:08 PM - Deadpan Delivery: they have a lot of it dude

10:08 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Whole websites, even

10:08 PM - CodeMagenta: Neatly sorted by someone who has no life, and whose job I'm not sure I would want

10:09 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Actually, that's an interesting question

10:10 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Does someone get paid to sort internet porn into the categories?

10:10 PM - CodeMagenta: well the websites must have people to manage and maintain them

10:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: You know what I hate about exercise?

10:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: Physical exertion

10:11 PM - CodeMagenta: Having to look yourself in the mirror?

10:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: That’s just what I hate about myself in general

10:11 PM - Deadpan Delivery: And now I need to go cry

Deadpan Delivery is now offline

(Penguins aren't really into dirty talk)